Brie Whitehead: Bagel Girl to #1.

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Re: Brie Whitehead: Bagel Girl to #1.

Postby Leena » 27 Apr 2009, 23:01

1990 - A retrospective.

Image

Brie may look sassy and confident, but she was terrible in 1990. She finished 185th in the world. Only one title in Kuwait, a 10K. A coach score of 177, whatever that means. And we LOST $9,918. Improvement must ensue immediately or Brie is being thrown in the Gulf of Aden and captured by Somali Privateers.

Brie's 1990 results:
Seoul IVA - F - 87 pts.
Bogota 50k - F - 28.
Winnetka 50k - F - 25.
Binghamton 50k - SF - 16.
Kuwait F2 10k - W - 6.
Kolkata III - Q3 - 5.
Kosice 50k - 2R - 5.
Campos Do Jordao-1 50k - R2 - 4.
Cuba F2 10k - SF - 4.
Vancouver 100k - R1 - 3.
India F2 10k - SF - 3.
US Open - Q1 - 2.
Kuwait F1 10k - 2R - 2.
Tashkent - 1R - 1.
Bronx 50k - 1R - 1.
Cuba F1 10k - Q1 - 0 pts.

Image

Congratulations, my foot. Keep this up and you'll be a failure like Jelena, Brie. A cute, busty one... but, still.

Meanwhile, Coach Leelee had other players. Jennifer CAPRIFATI (USA), Maria Jose FERNANDEZ (USA) for most of 1990. Emanuela ZARDO (SUI) and Lori MCNEIL (USA) for a few months. Zardo and McNeil did not win titles, so we booted them. Starting in 1991, Coach Leelee is proud to have signed Conchita MARTINEZ (ESP).

Capriati finished 1990 at #3 in the world. Quite impressive since her first tournament was in March of 1990. She won US Open, Eastbourne (II), Stuttgart (II), Linz, (II), Birmingham (III), and 3 challengers.

Image

Yeah-uh. Make us millions before you love the ganja, JenFat.

Maria Jose finished at #5 in the world. Titles: Zurich (I) and Luxembourg (II).

Brie wants to join the 3 other top 5 amigas in the Leelee clan. But, she's stuck playing more low level events unless her ranking improves. Thus, Brie has entered qualies for Auckland (IVA), Hobart (IVA) and Australian Open. Sigh.
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Re: Brie Whitehead: Bagel Girl to #1.

Postby TTennisfan » 28 Apr 2009, 03:33

Damn, Leena u are a big Brie Whitehead (lol what a funny name) fan, i don't see why do u like her so much is she special ?
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Re: Brie Whitehead: Bagel Girl to #1.

Postby Leena » 29 Apr 2009, 02:02

Oceania '91!
Woo! We start off a new year on the greatest continent of them all, Australia.

Brie WHITEHEAD (USA), Ranked 185, wanted to join her friends JenJen, Conchi and Mary Joe in Gold Coast and Sydney. But, they booted Brie out for SUCKS, so she's stuck playing Auckland and Hobart south of the Australian mainland.

Auckland - IVA - Rank 186 - Week 52, 1990
Q1 L (2) Veronika MARTINEK (CZE) 67(2) 36


Great. Let's start off by losing haplessly to someone we're far better than, and get -$124,124,12342342 in the hole.

Hobart - IVA - Rank 185 - Week 1-2, 1991
Q1 W (1) Akiko KINEBUCHI (JPN) 62 63
Q2 W (WC) Kristin GODRIDGE (AUS) 62 60
Q3 W (7) Francesca ROMANO (ITA) 61 63
1 L Karen KSCHWENDT (AUT) 57 63 57


Another horrible loss. Kschwendt is a clay courter with stats more than points 10 lower than us. Damnit, Brie! You better do something in Melbourne to salvage this trip!

Fortunately, Brie gets to join Coach Leelee and her rich top player friends in Melbourne. Can this finally get Brie to live up to her expectations and stop sucking?!
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Re: Brie Whitehead: Bagel Girl to #1.

Postby Leena » 30 Apr 2009, 02:12

1991 Australian
Open.


Image
Someday, Brie will win 3 Grand Slams and supplant Rod Laver's name on
this arena. Until then, we trudge along.

Q1 vs. Laura GOLARSA (ITA)

A moonballer with stroke consistency far better than us. Ugh. Going
with a 20 experience point boost here.

6-3 6-3. Win.

Q2 vs. (10) Olivia CROUCHENT (FRA)


Olivia is a promising 13 year old Frenchie that gets lots of WCs.
She's weak, but is a varied player with strong mental skills.

6-3 6-3. Win.

Q3 vs. Raissa GOUREVICH (RUS)


Hmm. Raissa is a very lowly ranked (324) Russian with poor skills.
This should be simple after the last 2 matches.

6-2 6-2. Win.

We're in the main draw, and 31 points for qualifying. A solid boost
already... but a main draw win in a slam is worth 60 points since the
rankings are so flawed.

Our opponent is Karen KSCHWENDT (AUT). Brie shamefully lost to
her last week in Hobart, but this is a player we should DESTROY. A
great draw. Another 20 experience points. No f***ing around, Brie!!!

1R vs. Karen KSCHWENDT (AUT)

6-2 6-1. Win.


Take that, bitchcakes. Brie gets her revenge! This should get us into
the top 100. But, we're not stopping now.

2R vs. Yone KAMIO (JPN)

Yone is a varied player with poor strokes, but good volleys. She upset
some seed in the 1st round. Brie must take advantage.

6-4 7-6(3). Win.

Next... we play the 6th seed, and fellow Coach Leelee client, Maria
Jose FERNANDEZ (USA)
!

Image
KING KOLYA: Mary Joe. In Russia, KGB say lose match? Lose match.

Image
MARY JOE: Nikolay, this isn't Russia. I'm an American. Home of my heroes, Venus Williams and Serena Williams. And I'm not going to listen to some bald jerk that was ranked ahead of American hero Andy Roddick by CHEA...

KOLYA: No cheat. Lose match, big money. Like Press Luck. No whammy.

3R vs. (6) Maria Jose FERNANDEZ (USA)

Mary Joe appears to have completely abandoned her usual volleying game, and is pushing like a Spanish clay courter like her name suggests. Of course, an American would never tank a match, so we cannot suggest that.

6-7(4) 6-1 6-4. Win.

4R vs. (11) Katerina MALEEVA (BUL)


The middle Maleeva is very similar to Mary Joe. Volleys in the 90s, with a solid, but unpowerful backcourt game. Unfortunately, Brie won't have help this time... but, we're going with a 11% experience boost.

6-7(2) 6-7(3). Lost.

Brie's Australian Open is finally over. Her 4th round performance, along with qualifying, earns her 171 valuable ranking points. That raises her from 183 to 66 in the rankings! Brie is very close to being able to play all big girl events with the rest of the Leelee team... but, not quite yet.

Thus, Brie will be playing a few European 100k's before Indian Wells and Miami.
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Re: Brie Whitehead: Bagel Girl to #1.

Postby Leena » 01 May 2009, 22:40

Goodbye, challenger bumpkinettes.

Brie WHITEHEAD (USA) entered 3 indoor Euro challengers before her miraculous Australian Open run. And she didn't have the funds to get out of it. So, here we go.

Wroclaw, Poland - 100k - Rank 67 - Seed 1 - Week 6, 1991
1 L Sabrina GOLES (CRO) 64 26 36


Goles is one of those lowly ranked players with ridiculous stats (100 stroke consistency and 90s precision) that ManuTOO loves to add in his games because he hates us. I'm guessing this is the game's way to telling me, "YOU SHOULDN'T BE PLAYING THIS SHIT." Well, piss off, there's nothing I can do.

Belgrade, Yugoslavia - 100k - Rank 68 - Seed 1 - Week 7, 1991
1 L Sabrina GOLES (CRO) 57 62 46


You know that LUCK option you can add stars to on your coach and thinking you'll never need it? Here's where it screws you. Even worse about this, despite Goles having great stats for a challenger scrub, Brie should still be able to beat her since Goles has like 20 power, and Brie is in the 70s at this point. And then we get these close 3-set losses. ManuTOO: Rate Face.

EVIL Sabrina Goles isn't playing the next week, so we probably bagel everyone.

Besancon, France - 100k - Rank 68 - Seed 1 - Week 8, 1991
1 W Natalia MEDVEDEVA (UKR) 61 63
2 W IL-SOON Kim (KOR) 61 60
QF W KINEBUCHI Akiko (JPN) 60 60
SF W Sybile NIOX-CHATEAU (FRA) 64 62
F W Maggie MALEEVA (BUL) 26 61 64


Other than Maggie, terrible players. Our 2nd title, but who cares about this one. Ranking up to 62, so Brie should get into most Tier I and II's, definitely for the larger draws coming up in clay season.

Indian Wells, Miami, Amelia Island and Charleston next. Big girl tennis!
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Re: Brie Whitehead: Bagel Girl to #1.

Postby Leena » 04 May 2009, 05:56

Team BRIE BRIE~!

Now that Brie WHITEHEAD (USA) has entered the top 60 and should be able to play most high tier events now, she can join the fly every week with Coach Leelee's talented players (Jennifer CAPRIATI (USA), Maria Jose FERNANDEZ (USA), and Conchita MARTINEZ (CHAIN SMOKING LESBIAN)), and also share all their trainers.

Thus, we can afford to buy the greatest trainers in the land for all 4 players. 25% boost in every skill! And write more silly stuff in the future!

Here is Coach Leelee's illustrious staff. Building champions.

Image

Leelee LANIKOVA (CZE/USA). Head Coach.

Failed tennis player and all-around Czech c**t, Leelee turned to the coaching arena as her last chance at remaining in the tennis world. Her form of "coaching" is to let her pupils spar with one another while she eternally bitches online about how horrible Women's Tennis has been since August 26, 2004. Vicariously lives through Brie Whitehead, since Leelee also used to be a completely untalented player that was only good at serving and being tall.

Image

Elena BOVINA (RUS). Assistant Coach.

Elena was a successful Top 15 WTA player before her shoulder fell off at 2005 RG, and has literally injured every part of her body since then. Continued to struggle in challengers until Leelee mercifully told her to quit and join her staff. Now forced to wear the infamous goofy hat she wore early in her career. The opposite of Coach Leelee... Elena is an extremely nice young woman that's always smiling and enjoys everything in life.

Image

Ivo KARLOVIC (CRO). Serve Coach.

Dr. Ivo is the greatest server in history, and hits many BAM ACES. However, this gentle giant has a stuttering problem and is very shy. Thus, our players don't learn much.

Image

Thomas MUSTER (AUT). Physical Coach.

Tommy is known for being the toughest player in the game. He came back from a horrible accident in 1989, to reach #1 in the world. A strong believer in physical fitness. God of clay. Would kick Rafa Nadal's ass. When Mr. Muster says to do something, you do it. Now.

Image

Kent CARLSSON (SWE). Rally Coach.

The human pushing machine, Kent Carlsson would hit 250 hard topspin shots every rally and kill you to death via boredom. Kent only played on clay for most of his career because of bad knees, but it's really because he hated anyone who could hit a winner. That's sissy tennis. Grind it out.

Image

Pamela SHRIVER (USA). Volley Coach.

Former doubles specialist and awesome announcer that HATES the Williams' sistahz, this tall turkey joined Leelee's staff to spread her volleying acumen. More accurately, what she learned from Martina NAVRATILOVA (CZE/USA) carrying her to 124214 doubles titles.

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Fabrice SANTORO (FRA). Special Shots Coach.

We doubt anyone can replicate, or even understand Fabrice's unique game. But, we'll try. Brie will be hitting 2-hand forehand slices in no time.

Image

Justine HENIN (BEL). Mental Coach.

The Mini Monegasque, Justine Henin is the greatest player of our generation. A little warrior that fights her heart out. Every tennis snob died inside when she abandoned us in 2008. Also, a CHEATING BITCH let's give Justine a HAND.

Image

Nikolay DAVYDENKO (RUS). "Tactics" Coach.

Kolya is the least respected top 5 player in history. Hated for no good reason. Had clear evidence that he never fixed matches, yet most still believe he did. But, Leelee loves you, bald little Kolya. Now apparently fixes matches for Brie and makes millions doing so. And has a hot Russian wife. Take that, haters. LEAVE KOLYA ALONE~!

Indian Wells & Miami, tomorrow. Will Brie win a match??!!
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Re: Brie Whitehead: Bagel Girl to #1.

Postby manutoo » 04 May 2009, 09:42

hey Leena, I'm sorry, but I really have to ask, is that really u ==> Image ..? :unsure:
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Re: Brie Whitehead: Bagel Girl to #1.

Postby Leena » 04 May 2009, 22:03

Yes.

Brie joins the big girls.

So, we finally have reached the big time. Indian Wells and Miami. Tier I events.

INDIAN WELLS - TIER I.

1R - Aurora GIMA (USA)

A rare USian that is a clay court specialist. She also sucks. This should be an easy win. We'll be cocky and play with 75% energy.

6-2 6-0. Win.

2R - (23) Leila MESKHI (GEO)


This won't be easy. Ms. Meskhi is a talented volleyer with her net skills near 90. Brie needs some advice concerning this.

Image

KENT CARLSSON: Net players are sissies. The way to beat them is like it is in TE. Keep hitting topspin, and run down balls until they miss. That'll teach 'em. Since lobs miss half the time now. :thinking:

7-5 2-6 6-3. Win.

Already beating seeds. Brie got skillz.

3R - (10) Nathalie TAUZIAT (FRA)

Uh oh. Nasty Nathalie! She is a well-rounded varied player with a preference for net play. She also has a terrible temper and swears at her opponent!

Image

NATHALIE TAUZIAT: Hey motherf***er. My flat shots crush you topspin. You are Merde! I'M GONNA WIN PYAAAA

Brie cries, and sucks losts.

4-6 6-3 3-6. Lost.

MIAMI - TIER I.

1R - Sabrina GIUSTO (BRA)

Lame pusher. Yawn.

6-1 6-1. Win.

2R - (7) Arantxa SANCHEZ-VICARIO (ESP)


A really really really good pusher. 100% topspin. 100% shot accuracy. 98% precision. Uh-oh spaghettios.

0-6 3-6. "Nice match", Brie. "You're really good", Brie.

Clay season starts next.
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Re: Brie Whitehead: Bagel Girl to #1.

Postby btaylor » 05 May 2009, 05:46

WOW, Leena!.. :yes:
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Re: Brie Whitehead: Bagel Girl to #1.

Postby Togtdyalttai » 05 May 2009, 20:41

I started reading this yesterday thanks to the link in your sig (I never look at this part of the forum otherwise), and I must say it's really interesting. You do a good job of putting us into Brie's struggle. :lol:
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Re: Brie Whitehead: Bagel Girl to #1.

Postby Leena » 05 May 2009, 21:32

No perving. I wanted to pose like Brie in my Aggie Szavay top from before Fila made her look like everyone else. I do my shameful flirting on Facebook/MySpace.

As for Brie, I have CHEATED and edited her style from Power Baseliner to Defender, to match her game on Tennis Elbow. Right when clay season starts, which is purely a coincidence.
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Re: Brie Whitehead: Bagel Girl to #1.

Postby Leena » 05 May 2009, 23:28

GreenRed Clay Season Begins.

Amelia Island and Charleston have changed to FAT clay. Boo.

AMELIA ISLAND, FL - TIER II

1R - (WC) Teryn ASHLEY (USA).

I've seen Ms. Ashley play many times, and she's a net rusher, maybe varied. So, she's a defender in this game. And, not good.

6-0 6-4. Win.

2R - (6) Katerina MALEEVA (BUL).


A rematch vs. the boring middle Maleeva. If you recall, she crushed our good dreams in Melbourne. Well, this is clay, and your volley game shall be thwarted! Mr. Thomas Muster teaches his wisdom to Brie.

Image

THOMAS MUSTER: Hit ball at her head. She run, then you chase, like I did vs. Tim Henman at 1997 US Open. He won anyway. Hrmph.

Brie draws blood. Her own COLD BLOOD~ in 2 tiebreaks!

7-6(5) 7-6(1).

3R - Mary PIERCE (CAN).


This is Mary in her early glasses wearing days before she became Mahree PEEAIRSE (FAKE FRA). She's not that good yet... but solid strokes near 80. Won't be easy.

6-4 6-3. Win.

QF - (4) Conchita MARTINEZ (ESP).


Ooh! A fellow Coach Leelee player! We know what that means!

Image

Conchita Martinez is serving & volleying! On clay! What is going on?! TOMFOOLERY!

7-5 3-6 6-3. Win.

SF - (2) Jennifer CAPRIATI (USA).


Not again...

Image

Jennifer Capriati is serving & volleying! On clay! What is going on?! TOMFOOLERY! Get off the drugs!

6-4 6-7(5) 6-2. Win.

Even with her opponents blatantly tanking against her, Brie can barely win. Oy.

F - (1) Monika SELES (YUG).

AMELIA ISLAND IS ANGRY WITH BRIERENA'S MATCH FIXING! RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE!!!

Monika has like 100 in every stat and should destroy young Brierena, but Brierena feeds off the HATRED of the crowd to win a set. Need 2.

2-6 6-3 0-6. BOOOO!

Brierena vows to never play Amelia Island again!


Well, AI was eventful. We'll do Charleston later.
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Re: Brie Whitehead: Bagel Girl to #1.

Postby gavbo » 06 May 2009, 12:03

aww man i got to the end :( :(

i never knew reading about someone playing TEM could be so exciting :lol: :lol:
Who is gonna be reading my signature?!
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Re: Brie Whitehead: Bagel Girl to #1.

Postby Leena » 07 May 2009, 01:48

More clay.

CHARLESTON, SC - TIER I

R64 - (Q) Florencia LABAT (ARG)

Labat, a doubles specialist, average net player. For whatever reason, volleyers are difficult to break and rarely ever break themselves.

6-3 6-4. Win.

R32 - (1) Monika SELES (YUG)


Blargh. And Brie doesn't have experience points to spend.

1-6 3-6. Loss.


Brie Brie then takes 2 weeks off. Skipping Budapest - Tier III. We only play Tier II's and higher. Except for maybe Gold Coast and Birmingham due to surface scarcity. And Fed Cup is obviously skipped, because USians don't care about that nonsense. I wish I skipped paying $50 to see Betina Jozami in Surprise.


WARSAW, POLAND - TIER II

Brie is seeded 8th here, despite a low ranking of 35. Our first WTA seeding~!

R32 - (Q) Barbara RITTNER (GER)

Rittner is one of those blasted counter players. Hint for anyone who is a power baseliner, counter players are really annoying to play. Fortunately, Brie is a pusher now.

7-5 6-2. Win.

R16 - Mary PIERCE (CAN)


No. She's not French ! Tough beans ! Last time, we surprisingly beat Mary with ease. She's still kinda better than us, and we can't waste exp. points. Probably gonna lose.

3-6 3-6. Mary thanks Baby Jesus for this match.


BERLIN, GERMANY - TIER I

R64 - (13) Jana NOVOTNA (CZE)

Ugh, nice draw. Jana's stats are great... 100% in volleys, even solid on the ground. Loss.

7-5 6-7(6) 6-3. Wow.

R32 - Anne MINTER (AUS)


After that surprising win, we face a crappy Aussie pusher. Sounds good.

6-4 6-1. Win.

R16 - (3) Jennifer CAPRIATI (USA)


Image
KING KOLYA: No cheat. Not bald.

I'll take the words of Kim Clijsters on TE to explain what Brie is. CHEATER LOSER AND CHEATER

6-1 7-6(5). Win.

QF - Big Brenda SCHULTZ (NED)


BRENDA~!. Coach Leelee is scorn. We love Brenda. She's the last great server in women's tennis history. And this is clay, so we'll probably kill her. Oh, wait, BRENDA SCHULTZ IS A DEFENDER IN THIS GAME???!!! Sigh, ManuTOO.

Anyway, let's hear from the serving God. He should know something about playing a dominant server.

Image

DR. IVO: H... Ha.... Heh... Y... You... You Short.

Confidence instilled.

4-6 6-3 4-6. Hideous.


ROME, ITALY - TIER I

R64 - Julie HALARD (FRA)

Pre-Decugis. Julie was only an average puncher at this point.

6-4 4-6 6-1. Win.

R32 - (16) Leila MESKHI (GEO)


We beat her on hardcourt. Clay should be no problem.

4-6 6-4 5-7. Poop.


Skipping Strasbourg/Istanbul. Roland Garros is next. Where Brie should be seeded since she's ranked 31st now!!!1
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Re: Brie Whitehead: Bagel Girl to #1.

Postby Leena » 08 May 2009, 21:43

Image

Brie will play her 3rd GS, and this time she has a pretty number by her name. [31] Brie WHITEHEAD (USA). Expectations have risen. Time to be a star.

R128 - Elna REINACH (RSA)

Ms. Reinach is a mediocre S&V. Volleys in the low 80s. Poor strokes and serve. This should be no problem.

3-6 6-3 5-7. WTF.

I have no idea how Brie lost that match. She just couldn't break Elna. Brie was better in every way, except volleying. Pff. Only the one break in the 2nd set. This one really hurts.

Dreaded grass season is next... :?
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