Mana Games

[Leena]

Welcome to the fairy tale of Brie Whitehead: Bagel Girl to #1. Which will be played on Tennis Elbow Manager.

First, let's introduce everyone to Ms. Brie WHITEHEAD (USA). She's 19 years old, and is very consistent at tennis.





And video of Brie in action, doing what she does best!

Brie hits two huge aces. Over 150 MPH.

Here are Brie's results in her illustrious career. She has quality wins over Lateefa BROWN (USA) and Diamond JACKSON (USA).

Brie's 4-55 career record.

She also has legions of fans. She's very popular. Everyone loves Brie.

Brie Whitehead Cheering Thread at WTAWorld!
2009 Brie Watch at The Tennis Cult.
ManuTOO loves Brie too and thinks she'll reach Top 15!

Ms. Whitehead has turned to coach Leelee Lanikova to continue her great career. And that starts in the next post. Yay.

[Leena]

Brie Whitehead is very desperate to become a decent tennis player. So, she went into a time machine and starts her career in 1990. With the goal of being #1 by 1997, the worst year in women's tennis history.

Brie is a Power Baseliner, and the difficulty is Incredible. Nothing is easy for poor Brie.

Her skills are Early ball hit (2), Injury resistance (2), Kick Serve, Slice Mastery, Champion (3). Brie's main focus is to win on hardcourts, since USians are afraid of clay.

Coach Leelee adds some skills, too: Physiotherapist (+15), Charisma (+3), Business (+7.5). We want to focus on the one thing Brie does well: She doesn't get hurt or retire in her 06 06 losses. Also, Leelee hates doubles and refuses to allow anyone to play it.

So, we finally get to business starting on December 25, 1989. Brie Whitehead is a meager 15 years old. 155 cm tall. 50 kg. Brie is a petite gal, but cute with a nice chest.

For the first 2 weeks, Coach Leelee only works on Brie's mental skills. Her confidence has been shattered, but that changes now. All of Brie's mental skills raise from 5 to 23%. Knowing is half the battle.

Also, we're waiting a while before having Ms. Whitehead play any 10k's. Our plan is to wait until March, and debut Brie on plain ol' cement courts in some 3rd world shithole. We must not play too much... build our abilities, then dominate. Losing is not a proper form of osmosis for our Brie.

Meanwhile, Nick Bollettieri approaches Coach Leelee and gives her Jennifer CAPRIATI (USA) to coach. Why? Because NICK BOLLETTIERI STUPID???!!!. A few zillion media members suggest that Caprifati could be a future #1... but, Jen's demands are to reach #340, and must remain #880 or higher for 10 weeks. I think we can handle that. But, Brie is the star, so step back, bitch.

During the 3rd week, Coach Leelee cannot raise mental skills anymore, so we spread Brie skills evenly. Except for volleys, we don't care about them. Racket technology has killed the net game.

Meanwhile, Coach Leelee adds Emanuela ZARDO (SUI) and Maria Jose FERNANDEZ (USA) to the team. Fernandez is a top 10 player and volleyer, and Zardo is a rising top 20 talent who is another power baseliner. Nobody cares. You're here to make Leelee money.

Meanwhile, Capriati immediately makes the SF of Indian Wells and quickly enters the Top 50. Brie gets annoyed by this and demands to play. So, Brie Whitehead will be debuting in Cuba F1 and F2 in late March 1990.

[manutoo]

good luck to Brie...
On a side note, the manutoo on tennisforum.com isn't me...

[Leena]

Brie serving bagels in Havana

Queen Brie Whitehead has flown from Phoenix, AZ to Havana, Cuba. And the long road to tennis perfection has begun. Brie finds Cuba to be dirty and repulsive. Damn commies.

Our first match will be against Limor GABAI (ISR) in qualifying. Her stats are mostly in the teens. Brie's stats are also around there, but her mental and physical skills are 20-40 points higher. Brie should win this match!!

But, of course, Brie screws it up as her whining about being in poor, smelly Cuba has lowered her energy to 67%. And Gabai takes an early 4-0 lead. Brie's raw athleticism gets her back in the match, but she loses 57 36.

Cuba F1 - Qualifying
Q1 L Limor GABAI (ISR) 57 36

Pathetic. A match we should have easily won. But, we remain in Havana for Cuba F2. Leelee forces Brie to hit 2000 serves in the week break before qualifying, and Brie has raised her serving skills to 30%. Time to ace these untalented losers off the court!

Cuba F2 - Qualifying
Q1 W Julija APOSTOLI (GRE) 61 64
Q2 W (7) Andrea VAN DEN HURK (NED) 62 64
Q3 W (1) Miyoko ATALCA (JPN) 26 61 64

Qualified! We clinch 1 ranking point, and Brie WHITEHEAD (USA) is officially ranked. Our serve paid off, as we weren't broken except for the sloppy first set vs. the Japanese girl. Time to win the title!

Cuba F2 - Main Draw
1 W (5) JING-JING Liu (CHN) 62 61

Brie killing seeds. Go Brie Go! She used a 10% experience boost she probably didn't need to, but it doesn't matter.

Cuba F2 - Main Draw
2 W Nicole JAGERMAN (NED) 63 75
QF W Katja OELJEKLAUS (GER) 75 61

And our dreams are crushed as our SF opponent is Dominique MONAMI soon to be VAN ROOST (BEL). Her skills are in the 60s, and we are going to get slaughtered. What is she doing in a lousy 10K???!!! BOO! GO AWAY!

Cuba F2 - Main Draw
SF L (Q) Dominique MONAMI (BEL) 26 16

Bullshit! Cheating commie! WE HATE CUBA AND WILL NEVER RETURN!

Well, at least Brie has earned 4 points for her efforts in Cuba.

Meanwhile, Emanuela ZARDO (SUI) reached the SF of Charleston, and the other 3 players on our team have reached the Top 32. Coach Leelee is raking in the dough! But, Brie is negative $-5000 already. Good thing her parents are trillionaires.

So, we're taking another month off to raise our skills, and Brie will play Kuwait F1 and F2.

[btaylor]

Leena...you are a NUT! But a NICE nut!

[Curtis]

Good work, Leena! I wanted to start a 'dynasty' thread, but yours is so much better than mine would've been that I'm glad I didn't. A few notes:
1) USAsians aren't afraid of clay — we just don't understand it; we'd rather study it than play on it.
2) It looks like coach Leelee got nine points to spend. Don't I only get five?
3) How did Coach Leelee pick up three players as good as Capriatti, Zardo and Fernandez in the first three months? Coach Curtis has never been offered a player in the top 200 that early, and usually not in the top 500. (Of course, Coach Curtis only accepts French players, so that might have something to do with it.)

Anyway, keep up the good work, Leena; this is very entertaining.

[Leena]

Kuwait can't wait for the Cheese Pimple.

It's May 1990. Iraq is about to invade Kuwait in 3 months, and Desert Storm will ensue. Can our Brie spread world peace and stop these happenings from occurring by playing awe inspiring tennis these two weeks?! YES SHE CAN. Mohammed AL-GHAREEB (KUW), your reign as tennis god in Kuwait is coming to an end.

Brie WHITEHEAD (USA) begins with qualifying in Kuwait F1 in Meshref. Both Kuwait events are on boring ol' cement.

Kuwait F1 10k - Qualifying
Q1 W Geraldine DONDIT (SUI) 61 61
Q2 W Denisa SOBOTKOVA (CZE) 61 61
Q3 W Tanja HAUSCHILDT (GER) 61 75

A bit of choking after a 5-1 lead against Hauschildt, but fine. 6 yummy breadsticks would have been nice, though. Our first round match is against a crappy Spaniard.

Kuwait F1 10k - Main Draw
1 W Tamara ARANDA (ESP) 61 60
2 L Prariyawan RATANAKRONG (THA) 46 57

Ugh. Ratanakrong had similar stats to Brie, but she won most of the big points. Not good. At least Brie has shown she's capable of destroying wimpy clay-court moonballers, though.

Anyway, Brie was given a Main Draw WC for Kuwait F2 in Kuwait City. This is our last chance to be a heroine to the Kuwaiti people. Our first round match is against some Frenchie named Elodie. Knowing the game creator, she'll be rated too high.

Kuwait F2 10k - Main Draw
1 W Elodie LEBESCOND (FRA) 60 60

Heh. Guess not. The irony of Brie winning like this. She knows Elodie's pain all too well.

Ok, this draw is horrible. No stupid ringers like MONAMI in sight. Win this, Brie.

Kuwait F2 10k - Main Draw
2 W (Q) Eva SESTIKOVA (CZE) 63 64
QF W (7) Anna ZAPOROZHANOVA (UKR) 62 60
SF W (3) Sachie UMEHARA (JPN) 63 75

Sachie was a decent volleyer with net skills in the 50s. Good win! The final is against a lowly rated player from Belarus. WIN NOW.

Kuwait F2 10k - Main Draw
F W (6) Tatiana IGNATIEVA (BLR) 61 61



Brie is Queen. The champion of Kuwait. Without losing a set! She will be a heroine for eternity to the wonderful Kuwaiti people.

Brie earns a massive SEVEN ranking points for her title, and moves up from 609 to the 520's in the rankings. Wowowow. And she wins a Rolls Royce.



BALLIN~!

Coach Leelee enters Brie in some 25k's for the next 2 months, hoping to get into qualifying for some of them. 10k's give so few points, ugh. Brie wants to play big girl events with Mary Joe, Conchita and JenFat, and leech off them paying for the best trainers.

[Leena]

1) USAsians aren't afraid of clay — we just don't understand it; we'd rather study it than play on it.

It doesn't help that Florida seems to be the only place where we train on clay. Soon enough, Americans will learn once the Williams sisters retire, and our best women's player is like Madison Brengle.

2) It looks like coach Leelee got nine points to spend. Don't I only get five?

I've always had 9 big golden stars when I start on every level. Maybe it's different for the male side.

3) How did Coach Leelee pick up three players as good as Capriatti, Zardo and Fernandez in the first three months? Coach Curtis has never been offered a player in the top 200 that early, and usually not in the top 500. (Of course, Coach Curtis only accepts French players, so that might have something to do with it.)

I got Capriati in the 1st week of 1990. It makes sense since she didn't play a tour match until March 1990. But, managed to finish the year in the top ten since she was reaching top level finals immediately. So, I got very lucky there.

You have to wait 5 weeks before signing another player.

Then, Zardo in late February. Her best ranking was 27, and she's not even that good in this game. After her fluke SF in Charleston, she didn't do much. She's replaced by Conchita Martinez in a few months, making me ridiculously strong with 3 Top 8 players.

Then, by April, many top 50 players wanted to work with me. Probably due to Capriati's results, and Zardo reaching her contract early as well. Mary Joe was the best on then.

[Leena]

Your Kuwaiti Heroine is movin' on up.

We entered some 25k's, but none even gave us a qualifying spot. So, Brie will play India F2, another lousy 10K on ol' boring cement since it's kinda close to Kuwait and we don't have to play qualies.

India F2 - Rank 525 - Week 22, 1990
1 W Limor ZALTZ (ISR) 64 63
2 W Vanessa MENGA (BRA) 75 64
QF W (4) Eszter MOLNAR (HUN) 75 64

Menga was a decent clay scrub with stats in the 40s, but we've had little trouble this far. Time to win another pointless 10k.

SF L Gloria PIZZICHINI (ITA) 06 06

Shit. A ringer. A clay courter with skills 30 points higher than Brie. But, we like Gloria, so it's cool. Just don't do that again.

We're happy however, we qualified for the Kosice 25K, because there were like 5 challengers in Week 23. Unfortunately, we're traveling a ways, getting tired, and this is on clay which we're not prepared for whatsoever. But, we're desperate for points.

Kosice 25K Qualifying - Rank 508 - Week 23
Q1 W Cristina COVINA (ITA) 64 75
Q2 W (WC) Jana JURICOVA (SVK) 67(3) 63 63
Q3 W (8) Erica ADAMS (USA) 63 61

Whew. We need every win we can get. And our clay experience has risen from 4% to 81%. K, then.

Kosice 25K - Rank 508 - Week 24
1 W Magdalena GRZYBOWSKA (POL) 62 61

Grzybowska was a volleyer that was better than us. But, this is clay and we used a 10% experience boost and whooped that ass for 5 points. Yeah-uh! That should be enough to get us out of 10K hell forever!

2 L (2) Julija SALNIKOVA (RUS) 16 67(2)

Julija was a fellow power baseliner 10-20 points better than Brie. The dream run is over, but the main goal is accomplished for now. We can play challengers that give 35-70 points for winning.

In our next post, we're whoring every American challenger we can through the summer. Go Brie.

[Leena]

American challengers. Blah.

Brie has entered challengers every week from around Wimbledon to the US Open. Points are far more bountiful now, and Brie Brie can quickly rise in the rankings.

We have 2 main goals in mind:

1) Qualifying spot for US Open (preferrably without a WC). This will probably take a ranking around 200. Brie is currently 480.
2) Entry into most of the crappy Tier IVA's in Asia in October. I don't really know what we need to be ranked for that.

To start, those crooked liberals in Winnetka, IL 25k gave Brie a main draw WC. This is on boring ol' cement, which we are used to. Brie's skills are around 60 with her strokes, 40s on serve, 50 mental, 50 physical skills, and we can't hit a volley in the court.

Winnetka, IL 25K - Rank 479 - WC - Week 27, 1990
1 W (2) Eunice DAVID (CAN) 62 64
2 W Maria Angeles MONTOLIO (ESP) 62 62
QF W Milena NEKVAPILOVA (CZE) 76(5) 62
SF W (3) Nannie DE VILLIERS (RSA) 60 62
F L (1) Gloria PIZZICHINI (ITA) 46 62 36


GLORIA: I MAY LOOK SWEET AND BE ONLY 5 FOOT TALL PUSHER BUT I AM YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE, BRIE!!1 YOU WILL BE A BAGEL GIRL FOREVER AND MY CAT WILL EAT YOU

We used 20 experience points and still couldn't beat Gloria. Shenanigans! But, we get 25 precious ranking points for this performance and jump over 100 spots in the rankings!

Next, the only thing we could get is Bogota 25K Qualifying on clay. Ugh.

Bogota 25K - Rank 341 - Week 28 & 29, 1990
Q1 W (4) Olga GLOUSCHENKO (BLR) 62 76(2)
Q2 W Silke MEIER (GER) 63 63
Q3 W (5) Megan MILLER (GBR) 61 60
1 W (5) Syna SCHREIBER (GER) 75 64
2 W Julie PULLIN (GBR) 61 75
QF W EUN-HEE Sung (KOR) 62 64
SF W (8) Jo-Ann FAULL (AUS) 63 57 64
F L (3) Shruti DHAWAN (IND) 26 26

Brie was marginally better than Dhawan, but was exhausted by the final. Oh, well. But, another 28 points moves us up another 80 spots. Rising!

Next, a main draw WC to Campos Do Jordao-1 25k in Brazil. This is on boring ol' cement, so maybe we can win a title.

Campos Do Jordao-1 25k - Rank 269 - Week 30, 1990
1 W (Q) Megan MILLER (GBR) 62 64
2 L (2) Gloria PIZZICHINI (ITA) 16 06


GLORIA: IS there somoeone in this tournament who can beat me??only losers here like BRIE WHO IS AN STUPID,its a liltte be boring 3rd Round and only terrible matches.
I heard that STIFFEI GRAAF is good i hope she win a set again me in the Final
BRIE: Pipe down, troll.

Next up, Brie enters qualifying in a 50k!!! 70 points for the winner!! Who will not be Brie!! In the next update.

[btaylor]

Leena,

You MUST know by now that you are SPOILING us...
Now, you can't EVER stop with the saga of the "infamous" Brie Brie!!!

[Leena]

Before we begin, we forgot to fully celebrate Brie's Kuwait Open Championship.



The giant trophy that crushes Court Philippe Chatrier with the FAT backdrop. Appropriate, but not the best.

If Brie wins another title (HA!). We're editing in YOU'RE WINNER ! from the greatest PC game of all of the times, Big Rigs. Sorry, Tennis Elbow, but you gotta recognize. It even has the space before punctuation that ManuTOO and every French person always does.



Enough poppycock, time for challenger tennis.

American Challengers. Blah. Part 2 !

Brie WHITEHEAD (USA) flies to Vancouver 50k to play in her most important tournament yet. The competition level increases here, so we have to be on our game.



Vancouver 50k - Rank 254 - Week 30 & 31, 1990
Q1 W Rene MENTZ (RSA) 60 61
Q2 W Louise PLEMING (AUS) 63 61
Q3 W (8) Maria Florencia CIAFAGNA (ARG) 64 64
1 L Francesca ROMANO (ITA) 64 36 26

Qualies were as simple as before, but Romano had groundie consistency in the 70s. Too good for us at this point. Fortunately, back to 25k's next week with a WC to Binghamton, NY 25k, a tourney Leelee has attended before.

Binghamton, NY 25k - Rank 245 - Week 32, 1990
1 W (2) Iwana KUCZYNSKA (POL) 61 62
2 W Nannie DE VILLIERS (RSA) 61 46 63
QF W (7) Tami WHITLINGER (USA) 63 62
SF L (3) Patricia WARTUSCH (AUT) 57 46

What's Patty doing playing in 1990. She'd be 11 then. Of course, Wartusch is best known for making out on court with Petra Mandula, and somehow winning 2 WTA singles titles (Bogota, Casablanca) despite barely being a top 100 player. Brie is jealous, and begs Gaby Sabatini to play doubles with her.

Bronx 25k is next. Another WC. 7 straight weeks for Brie. *foreshadowing*

Bronx, NY 25k - Rank 220 - Week 32, 1990
1 L (5) Sandra DOPFER (AUT) 67(1) 41. ret. Gastroenteritis!

F*** the heck???!!! Who retires with a sore tummy??!!



Anyway, Brie's ranking of 225 is high enough for US Open Qualifying. The early loss in Bronx may be a good thing.

Grand Slam Tennis is next!

[Zorromorph]

This is awesome.

That is all.

[Leena]

US Open on USA theme. Which we will never hear again. Damn you, ESPN!

Brie has made it to the big time. The US Open! Brie opens qualifying on Court 22 against Leona LASKOVA (CZE). She's a puncher ranked 120 and skills an average 20 points lower than Brie.

US OPEN Qualifying - Rank 225 - Week 34-36, 1990
Q1 L (5) Leona LASKOVA (CZE) 36 63 36

Well, that sucked. Goodbye, New York. Hello, Asia in the fall!

[Leena]

Asian Tier IVAs, Brie, and you.

After Brie WHITEHEAD (USA) worked so hard to play in the US Open, she failed miserably. But, fortunately, our ranking is more than high enough for low-level WTA Asian fall events. It hasn't been mentioned yet, but Brie is mad in debt. -$40,000 at this point. Fortunately, Rich Mommy and Daddy will pay for the long trip to Asia. Nearly another $18,000 for 1st class travel and 5 star hotel? Damn. But, Brie Brie is spoiled.

First up, Kolkata, India - Tier III, where Brie is seeded 6th in qualifying despite being ranked 234th. Doesn't seem right... but, who am I to complain? This tournament is indoors, where Brie hasn't played yet.

Kolkata - III - Seed Q6 - Rank 234 - Week 37-38, 1990
Q1 W Doriane CAPORUSSO (ITA) 64 61
Q2 W Jean OKADA (USA) 61 62
Q3 L (3) Patricia TARABINI (ARG) 26 63 26

Grar. 2 easy matches, then a tough doubles player. Brie's passing skill is only around 40 at this point. Need to raise that.

That gives us time to qualify for Seoul, South Korea, Tier IVA. Back on boring ol' cement, time for Brie to shine! And we're the 1st qualifying seed. I guess Manutoo doesn't think anyone plays these events.

Seoul - Tier IVA - Seed Q1 - Rank 231 - Week 38-39, 1990
Q1 W Alina ZHIDKOVA (RUS) 61 63
Q2 W Raluca CIOCHINA (ROM) 60 62
Q3 W Celeste CONTIN (ARG) 76(4) 62

Brie gets to play in her first WTA Main Draw! Our first opponent is Luciana TELLA (BRA), a moonballer with high consistency. Tough one. Going with 10% experience boost here.

1 W Luciana TELLA (BRA) 75 46 61

YES YES YES. Big win. 15 points for Brie.

Our next opponent, is a heroine of ours. Brie is very intimidated by THE TURKEY~, IRINA SPIRLEA!



"She thinks she's the f***ing Venus Williams."

Fortunately, Irina's skills aren't that high yet. She's an average of 60s everywhere, not much better than Brie at this point. We're spending 20 experience points. This is the big time.

Brie wins the 1st set, 6-4, holding many long serving games. She has COLD BLOOD~! Irina doesn't take that for long, clotheslining Brie after a changeover in the 2nd, and wins it 6-1. But, Brie fights back in the 3rd with 29 winners, and wins it 6-3!!!! YAY!

2 W (3) Irina SPIRLEA (ROM) 64 16 63

Q. Would you consider this a high quality match?

IRINA SPIRLEA: No.

Then, two scrubs.

QF W Sara GOMER (GBR) 63 75
SF W (2) Carrie CUNNINGHAM (USA) 16 62 63

Brie WHITEHEAD (USA) had made the FINAL of her first WTA Main Draw!! Magical! Superstar! We Brie-lieve!

In the final, we face another heroine of ours, and fellow bagel girl (horrifying 06 06 loss to Stefanie at 1988 RG final) Natasha ZVEREVA (BLR). Natasha has 100 consistency and precision in her strokes. We're so getting killed here.

F L (1) Natasha ZVEREVA (BLR) 26 26

And it shouldn't have been that close...

Brie's magical run in Seoul comes to an end. But, we gained 87 ranking points and move into the Top 160!

To conclude the 1990 season, Brie gets a main draw WC to Tashkent - Tier IVA. Unfortunately, we're fatigued en masse here...

Tashkent - IVA - WC - Rank 164 - Week 40, 1990
1 L Maggie MALEEVA (BUL) 36 46

Maggie was only 14 here with reasonable skills, but Brie was pooped with 68% energy. Oh, well.

1990 has come to an end since we're not playing anymore challengers.

A review of 1990, Brie's first year, will be next.